Love in Peace

Slept at 5:30 am and woke up at 8:30 am by sudden attack of disappointment from recalling the happy scenes he had behind me. Happiness and calmness in my soul have never been long-lasting since the day the nightmare began. I have become an absolute psycho losing my grip on emotions. Imbalance in mind had turned me into a monster which I hated very much and I simply did not know how to love myself since then. The monster would just appear when I was terribly weak and fragile especially during nighttime. I even sometimes thought of harming myself hoping sorrow and regrets would then leave me alone in peace. To some extent I guess I suffered mild depression and my mind could not stop functioning until exhaustion.

After all the incidents happened, I searched for help from all my friends and I'm really glad that I have done so. They all have been very helpful and encouraging by bringing me limitless support and being best companions ever. They sincerely keep convincing me how good and attractive I am making me believe I deserve more love and care. Until now my emotions become more stable and controllable but still my brain may all of a sudden go so wrong that loneliness erodes me gradually from the very inside. In order to strive for better inner balance, I started rereading EAT PRAY LOVE recently. Remembering the first time I was crying reading the book and later my broken soul was slowly recovered and even completed, I immediately felt the need to read the book again to refresh myself the things I have learnt from it. 

As a very slow reader, finishing one fifth of the book made me feel so proud today. And I discovered that I have indeed forgotten many of the important contents. 

"You are part of this universe, Liz. You're a constituent - you have every entitlement to participate in the actions of the universe, and to let your feelings be known. So put your opinion out there. Make you case. Believe me - it will at least be taken into consideration"

"So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own fulfilling yearnings."

Somehow I think I am similar to the book author but the only difference I don't suffer from serious depression which needs the help of medication. The way of my emotional change, the fear in my heart and reaction to my feelings are very much alike. Therefore, for every word of the book I reread, I am like picking up broken pieces of mine and putting them back together again. 

Suddenly, I thought it through.

Endless sadness, insufficient bad quality sleep and skipping meals made me feel like a dried tomato suddenly. As if all the moisture in every plant cell had been dried out and only a thin wrinkled skin was left to die soon (or already dead). If Law of Attraction applies, I would not be able to attract good people I believed. I might only attract those who show his care out of sympathy and sympathy is not love. So I realized I got a wrong concept that simply waiting for new love to enter my life is hopeless as what I get for return won't be real love. Instead I should change myself into a loving person to attract the true love from the others. I will be loved if I am lovable. There is no vice versa to be lovable because of love.

After started reading the book, many thoughts popped up in my mind. They are inspirations rushing into my brain and occupy every inch of the space to fill me with calmness and relief. I can't tell if I have already achieved my balance and will not go crazy anymore, but at least I am not afraid to sleep alone tonight until this moment.

“Goodbye.” I said. 
Finally I can feel my body is light and clean. All the regrets and burdens are now left behind me, buried somewhere in peace. Now I can tell a lot of space is cleared out for surprises in life. SURPRISE ME. No more tears.

Thanks God, though I am not religious.
I am ready to press the restart button.